Day 58
The feeling is like an undertow that you've given over to.
I came close to drowning once. Around the age of 9 or 10, summertime and long afternoons spent on sandy beaches. Crowded beach filled with people, wading out into the shallow Northumberland water, trying to reach a further sandbar. In water way over my head while the tide was sneaking in. There was sheer panic and fear. A lot of struggle and when you're toes no longer can feel bottom as the crest pulls you in a 45 degree and you're not a strong swimmer, it gets pretty scary. As our bodies are incredible creatures when the struggle ends and you hand yourself over, it was pure quiet ecstasy calm. I became one with the water molecules, my own body disappeared and the sky melted blue overhead as I succumbed. Then as abrupt as a fish out of water an older and taller cousin pulled me hard and fast and I coughed, spit up and in a few seconds could feel bottom again. It felt as near death as I'd want to be.
I learned a lot about the seas's fierceness even in calm waters. I've tried to become a better swimmer, now I mostly hug the shorelines and float. It was the overwhelming feeling of calmness and connected molecules that returned so many years later during today's session. It was unhinged and liberating, profound but feather-light like pollen or a kite dancing across the sky on a windy day. As connected to the water I felt in a moment of letting the panic go so many years ago, I felt a similar connection to the air on the shoreline today. I had abandoned the mental jargon and released the wordless occupying, imprisoning thoughts. It all comes back to the breath.
This also marked the 58th day of incorporating Wim Hof's breathing method. I now breathe fully in (and release) for 40 times and then hold the breath on the last exhalation. Four rounds of this routine takes me about 30 minutes and it replenishes the entire day in a way I cannot properly articulate. Immediately following the last round is a euphoria where my feet do not feel the ground below, nor does my skin feel the air that surrounds. It isn't a separating sensation, rather one of unity and of connected-ness by ways too advanced and deep for our brains to comprehend. It is not mystical, but tangible, a direct and physical gift like the fruits from the efforts of labour, routine, and honest work. Wim Hof explains the physiology best. I just try to take in the experience, relax and feel the blood going into the depths and all the sensations therein.
